Opening lecture of Bsc. (H) Theft

A thief brings newness to the society by taking away old things, a thief makes people realize that things must be insured and you know, It is due to us the insurance industry is running.

Tariq Abdullah for BeyondHeadlines

A few days back when my house wiring went missing, I was curious about the life of thieves. The curiosity was complemented by the fact that thief had taken away a dozen of merely one meter wire through which 250 Volts of electricity was supplied to the whole building. So, out of curiosity and passion to learn new things, I took admission to the bachelor degree course in theft. I would not bother my readers with the intricate underlying details of how & where the course is conducted and would provide them here with the facilitation speech of DKT CHR PKMR Shri Rabaswami who is the principal of The College of Socio-personal Welfare, Indian Institute of Theft, Delhi.

Opening lecture of Bsc. (H) TheftAs far as my admission to this course is concerned, It took place through a test wherein I had to bring three groundnuts from the pheriwala in first level, a Psidium guajava in second level (yes, I have a degree in Botany, and It is my contribution to theft that now we use scientific names, Psidium guajava is called Amrood otherwise) and in the third level I had to flee away with borrowed pen in the bank. I passed these tests with very good marks and I suspect most of my fellow citizen too would.

I was surprised to see a hundreds of formally ‘educated’ people like me in the facilitation ceremony which started with following speech of the principal who had a very heavy tone.

“Respected chrofessors, teachers, and my dear students,

I congratulate you for choosing a noble gateway of future for yourself. This institute has produced a number of great people serving the society and themselves. Our aim is to serve the society and ourselves, which is indicated by the name of this college. Dear students, although society does not recognize you and your contribution but theft is a noble thing to do and best way to serve the nation. Initially the society does not recognizes you and your contribution but when you keep on trudging the road to success and grow up in this field, you become a role model for the society itself. There is a dire need of anonymity and official contacts when you are in this field, so you need to maintain that from the day one. We have adopted semester system as other universities in the world do. We have introduced a new curriculum with social-communication, art of conception and perception skills which should be beneficial for you in the long run.

Dear students,

When someone chooses being a doctor and becomes one, he chooses to play a game of risk with life of onepatient. When someone chooses being a teacher, he chooses to risk with three generations. A soldier is at a risk of nation but when it comes to thief, he risks his life each and every moment of action and serves the nation without even getting a word in recognition which is in itself a distinction. A thief brings money to the economy and triggers the flow of money, A thief brings newness to the society by taking away old things, a thief makes people realize that things must be insured and you know, It is due to us the insurance industry is running. It is because of thief that CCTV cameras were created, thus we bring technical revolutions. Who would have thought of technologies like GPS if we were not there to be tracked? [Narrator: (thinking) ‘’I don’t agree with this point, you are really a thief”] and how would people realize the sense of loss in DTC buses to prefer metro if we were not there? These are the instances of Bachelor thieves in action while master degree thieves are doing things differently. They have proper recognition in the society. After completing masters, one gets specialized for an industry such as politics, business and property related matters. Few also join contractual works of government to serve under other master degree alumni.

A master degree student of theft has not only social recognition but also legal protection. Our alumni include well known people involved in so called scams, which, due to their negligence (caused by absence in class) were disclosed. Otherwise everything we do is as fair as anything else society recognizes. Our alumni have bank account in Switzerland to evade unfair taxation system that has been imposed by the uncivilized public. Our college also provide a CHD course and students are awarded the suffix title of ‘ji’, commonly used as ‘bhaiji’, ‘sarkarji’ etc. among students.

Dear students, let me remind you, you are born to serve, to serve the nation and yourself. You have chosen the best college for you. We have a history of recognition for all fair and unfair means and you are lucky to be here. I would finish with just one instance of the success and legend our students have created.  Once a machine to detect thief was invented somewhere in Arabia and hands of 350 theives were chopped off. Our college was as in gloom and protested against this human rights violation. The machine, under American pressure, was then sent to USA and 3500 were caught and jailed. Inspired by such instances, one ‘uncivilized chor’ in the parliament imported the machine to India. And do you know what happened? The machine was stolen!

That’s the kind of legacy we create. Good luck and best wishes for your career.”

I leave it to the readers to judge whether I continued the course or never attended any class after this day.


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